Cheney, Champion of "No-Brainers"

The government of our great land was only looking out for our best interests when they signed into law the recent suspension of habeas corpus for our "guests" at Guantanamo Bay. I don't know why people can't see that in order to protect our liberties we have to give up those liberties. Just think of how few murders there would be if we were not allowed to interact with each other or how little theft there would be if we were forbidden to leave our homes. Our government is only trying to get us to this state of perfection.

In the spirit of protecting our liberties, Vice President Dick Cheney recently endorsed the dunking of our Guantanamo "guests" in water to elicit information from them. He called it a "no-brainer." People may complain that the Vice President's words are an endorsement of torture, but make no mistake, this administration is filled with experts on "no-brainers." If the VP says it's a "no-brainer" then it must be something which does not require a brain. Come on, folks, isn't this water thing just a trumped up swirly?! What do you want next, start punishing high school bullies?

Human rights organizations or, as I like to call them, squirrley little tattle tales, obviously don't care one whit about our liberties. They have decried the VP's words as an endorsement of torture, but they don't know what they're talking about. The VP said, "We don't torture," and he should know, since he helped write the definition of torture. Obviously, the human rights folks need to get clarification from our current leadership on what torture is before they go around willy nilly accusing people of it.


ECD

Steven Wright-On!

Steven Wright is hilarious...

"I'm addicted to placebos. I'd quit but it wouldn't matter."


Just thought I'd share that
ECD

I was reading a report from (name of publication) today about how (name of asshole world leader) apologized recently for (something stupid the world leader did). Well I say (expletive) !!! Any (rude word to call someone) dumb enough to (same stupid thing) without at least running it past his neighbors deserves to get the (bodily waste by-product) kicked out of him. Of course, (same asshole world leader) blames the US, when the rest of the world is just as outraged at his stupidity. Suck it, (same world leader) !!! And the next time you decide to (same stupid thing), stick it up your (bodily orifice) first.

(complimentary close)
(signature of Elitist City-Dweller)

Habeas Corpus Emptor - Beware of Corpses!

A recent bill that's been signed into law suspends the centuries old rule of Habeas Corpus, which just sounds gross and I think has something to do with necrophilia. Why people want to produce corpses, I don't know, but this article by Roger Runningen at Bloomberg, Bush Signs Law Creating Tribunals for Terror Suspects (Update2) seems to be all up in arms about it.

Now I've seen most of the zombie movies, and there's no denying that re-animated dead people are as much a threat to our way of life as global warming, the decrease in the numbers of pirates, and online poker. Who wants their brains eaten by some crazed, mindless creature, or to have all their money taken online by some crazed, mindless creature. I sure don't. But, I think this smoke screen of zombie-ism is just meant to distract us from an even more serious problem, the signing away of our basic human rights.

A component of the "Corpse" Bill is that our government can now arrest us and hold us indefinitely, without giving us a trial. Then, when they feel like they have time and/or evidence, they can bring us to trial... or not. To emphasize the necessity of this law, while this bill was being signed, more than a dozen people were arrested while demonstrating at the White House, chanting, "stop torture" and other slogans. I'm sure these protesters will be brought to trial for their actions... someday.


In the meantime, watch out for those zombies...
ECD

Kittens Vs Masturbation

The other day, my wife told me about this euphemism where masturbating is referred to as killing kittens. Check out the "Urban Dictionary" definition here: Kill Kittens. So, when she saw an article on "Obscure Store" titled "Principal resigns after shooting orphaned kittens," she assumed it was some reference to a school principal who got caught "spanking the monkey" at school.

Of course, once she read the article she discovered that the man had actually killed kittens. It prompted me to ask my wife, "If every time you masturbate God kills a kitten, does the opposite hold true? Every time you kill a kitten, does God masturbate?"

If killing kittens is a hobby of yours, you should see the movie "Gummo," which is not about killing kittens but has a kitten killing story arch at one point. For those of you more into masturbation, you might want to check out the "American Pie" movie series.

Trivia: On 26 July 1991, Pee Wee Herman was arrested for masturbating during a screening of several adult movies. That day, approximately 10,959 cats were euthanized, not to mention the unreported thousands that died at home or in the wilderness. Thanks, Pee Wee. [Euthanization numbers guesstimated for dramatic effect.]


Meow,
ECD

How Great We Art - Part I

I've had the privilege of studying a glut of history in my lifetime. (Does that make me a glutton?//Brad Pitt pulls ECD's head out of a giant plate of spaghetti// BTW, see Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.) Sorry... that's what you might call a stream of conciousness randomly activated blather, or a SOCRAB (an as yet undiagnosed illness for which there is no cure). Back to the subject at hand. As much as all history fascinates me, American history, is an especially poignant pleasure for me. (I'm not sure what 'poignant' actually means, like Bill O'Reilly probably doesn't really know what 'opine' or 'pithy' mean, but, like Bill, I use it anyway.) American history is kind of a hobby within a hobby, I suppose. So I would like to share a few of my observations about how we became such a great nation.

First, I'd like to remind everyone that the United States was begun as a refuge for poor, persecuted Christians, escaping from Buddhist tyranny that spread throughout the world more than 2000 years ago. From the time Jesus first sailed the Santa Maria to these shores, led the pilgrims from Atlantic City to San Francisco, and delivered the Bible to Judge Roy Moore to be the supreme law of the land (probably by Western Union, like Doc did for Marty McFly at the end of Back to the Future II), our course was set. We would not rest until "In God We Trust" was printed on all our currency.

In the early years our nation saw many hardships for the pioneers, who often suffered mistreatment at the hands of merciless warlords and shoguns. (For examples of pioneer life, see The Village, and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. The Patriot is also entertaining, but its historical accuracy is highly suspect. Sorry, did I say entertaining? Strike that part, but the rest is accurate... or highly suspect... or... Can't remember where I was going with this.) This centuries old practice was shattered when the shackles of repression were thrown off through the efforts of our two greatest warriors: William Wallace and Benjamin Franklin. Both men were drawn and quartered and beheaded, but their valiant efforts will never be forgotten. We would do well to emulate these martyrs.

[Join me soon for my next SOCRAB, in which General Washington leads the Charge of the Light Brigade and John Adams utters that in-famous (meaning "more than famous") phrase, "Et tu Brute."]

Til our future finally gets here,
MEC-D

I'm smarter than you are... nya nya nya nya nya!

As my family and I were out driving one day, my youngest daughter asked if a woman could be president. My oldest daughter told her there was no law against it, but that there had never been any female presidents. (Isn't it great when your kids start teaching each other and you don't have to think anymore. SWEET!) Anyway, I promptly spoke up and said that was probably because men were smarter than women.

I don't know why this type of honesty seems to infuriate women so much. Finally, VINDICATION! A doctor has recently given us the scientific proof we men need to seal our dominance of the thinking world. The title of the article, "Men Smarter Than Women, Scientist Claims" by Jeanna Bryner from Health SciTech, says it all. All I have to say to all you women is (insert raspberry here).

The article said something about brain size and something about gender and something called the "G-factor". I don't really know what a "G-factor" is but anything that starts with "G" is pretty cool: "G-spot," "G-string," "G chord." To tell you the truth, I didn't understand all the technical stuff. It all made my head spin trying to figure it out. Anyway, men are smarter than women.

Don't take it too hard, though. In time, women may evolve to become as smart as men or at least come to accept their second place status in the world of thought. Just bear in mind the words of one member of the smarter gender, "The future will be better tomorrow" (former Vice President J. Danforth Quayle).


I told you so
ECD

Foley-er Than Thou

Since the recent criticism of the congressman formerly known as the Honorable Mark Foley began, I've been outraged at the denigration of one of the leaders of our Great Society. This is (or was) not just another American citizen, but one of the elite, one of our congressmen, our very own untouchables. These men and women were hand-picked by God for these positions of trust, authority, and domination, and our very souls should be in mortal peril just for uttering their names, much less criticizing their conduct.

Mark Foley was only following in the footsteps of many great, though maligned, Americans of the past: Pee Wee Herman, James I, Caesar, and Jupiter, who not only courted Io, Europa, and Callisto, but also made love to his young male cup-bearer, Ganymede. Who are we to trample on these fine American traditions? Apple pie, anyone?

Whoever said, "Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony," obviously never had a golden shower from one our own congressional demi-gods... or is that demagogue? Oh well, that's power!

And that's all I have to say about that.
ECD

All Hail the New Carry Nation!

Being an elitist city-dweller, I would never stoop so low as to gamble, especially in the most base and vile of locations... the internet. Who are these people, these dregs of society, who believe they should have the right go on the "Web" and throw their money away. I guess if they wanted to live in a free society, they should have thought of that before they were born here in this one. I say, "WHATEVA!"

I've read a blog or two about this so called "problem," from The Beav to Bill's Blog, and I can't see what they're complaining about. We live in a great nation that is founded on the principle that only a small percentage of the population is capable of making decisions and dictating morals. What kind of state would be in now if George Washington and Thomas Jefferson had not lobbied against and eventually outlawed hemp cultivation? Where would we be if not for the greatest of all the constitutional amendments, number 18. If some great men had not stepped in and made the "manufacture, sale" and "transportation of intoxicating liquors" illegal, our great nation would be in a sad state today.

All hail the new Carry Nation, who carries forth her weapon of not-so-mass destruction (though very intimidating) and waves it as a banner in the faces of the heathen bastards who strive to bring our Great Society to ruin! Money lenders! Heathens! Happy people! Blasphemers! (It's not technically blasphemy, but I felt like I needed one more exclamation and couldn't think of anything else.) If only our congressmen had been so bold as to take hatchets to a few computer monitors instead of passing a law. Now that would have been worth watching.

All I have to say to all you complainers, all you people who have nothing better to do than bitch that your "personal rights" are being taken away, is this... if you didn't want to be a citizen of a fascist state, you shouldn't have voted for members of the Fascist Party.


Duh!
ECD

To Pay or Not to Pay

"To pay or not to pay?" That is a question some people have to ask themselves.

It is a question that former military officer Ralph Paul recently asked himself at a Florida restaurant, as reported in a St. Petersburg Times article.

I initially found this article on the "Obscure Store" where there were a lot of people complaining. I thought I would add my ten cents (that's ten cents instead of two because I'm a city-dweller, not some country bumpkin).

Some people, like this man, have dedicated their lives to the cause of war. He has ordered countless underlings to fight for his right not to pay his restaurant tab, to force taxpayers to pay for a 7-hour trial, to make a public point (useless though it may be). This man has been an officer in the United States Armed Forces. He should have the right to subjectively decide if there's enough seafood in his meal. He's not just some enlisted military man or a fast food worker or some civil service grunt! This man is on the verge of being a hero. We should all strive to emulate him and his heroic actions.

Besides, I loved his version of 'Hallelujah, It's Raining Men,' from quite a few years ago. That alone should let him off the hook.

Hoo-Ah!

ECD